Sick

Yesterday I came down with a cold. Today I feel horrible. I had to leave work early and slept for most of the afternoon.

Being sick I really stressing me out. I have so much work to do in the next two days and then I'm going out of town for a few days. I feel like I'm burying myself in work and I don't have enough time to complete it.

I don't want to be sick. But mostly I don't want to be having this anxiety attack! I'm guessing it's been brought on by being sick, taking sudafed and being stressed. Also I haven't eaten very much today.

I have almost fallen asleep three times in the last hour only to be awoken by a weird feeling in my chest. It kinda feels like my heart stopped beating. Oh anxiety how I hate you so!!!

Like I said. I don't want to be sick and I don't meant to have this anxiety attack.

Sorry for the complaining. I'm hopeing that it will help to put it in writing.

Ugh

I'm sad.

I've been crying for at least an hour now.

It's hard to explain why I'm upset. I'm sure it's my fault.

I want to be happy but I'm having a hard time. I am having a hard time being myself. I have anxiety. I am smart. I love Jesus. I love my husband. I'm tired of faking it.

I'm over life decisions

Seriously, if I didnt have to make another life changing decision I would be a happy girl. But then I guess it wouldn't really be life.

Ugh.

Awake

I suck at sleeping, especially if I'm not I'm my own bed.

Yesterday was my Grandma's funeral. It was nice. I was anxious all day. I'm guessing it was caused by the large amount of family I would have to interact with. And of course it turned out that there was definitely family drama. Ugh

So now I'm awake, fighting off a panic attack. I miss my Seany, Lola and my comfy bed.

Psalm 91 is my comfort

Coping

At work I teach my kids coping skills. (e.g. take a break, deep breaths, etc.) But I think wine is really helpful for me. In small quantities of course.

Today my grandma Judy passed away.

Typing it makes it a little more real.

I am so glad I got to see her last week. I was able to tell her I loved her and held her hand for twenty minutes. Before that the most recent time I saw her was in March, We reminisced and talked a lot about my job as she used to work with Autistic children too.

I spent a lot of time with her while I was growing up. Some of the things I remember most are: We used to go on walks, at the park or around her neighborhood. I would bring a paper bag with me and put my "treasures" in it. We used to play pool. She had a really awesome pool table! And we always watched Dr. Quinn. :)

I hadn't seen her very much in the last few years, I'm sad about that.

I will miss you Grandma!

Its Been Awhile

Wow, Almost a year since my last post. Again I am amazed by how much has changed.

Sean and I have had quite the roller coaster of a year. We are still very involved with Disciples Church and are amazed by God's provision and faithfulness. I am now a Behavior Consultant and I absolutely love my job and feel legit that I have a career.

In June Sean was in a pretty bad road bike accident and I was diagnosed with anxiety. For two months I thought I was dying and didn't know what was happening. I wasn't sleeping or eating, I had trouble with social interactions, and I was in a great deal of physical pain. I went to the ER twice because of panic attacks before I realized what it was. Its horrible. Their are no words to describe the horrible, nagging, constant sense of doom and the panic attacks literally make me feel like I am dying. I had chest pain, felt like I was choking, stomach problems, headaches, heart palpitations, tingling, muscle spasms and muscle pain. But God is teaching me so much through all of this. I am learning to rely and trust in him like never before. I have come a long way over the last six months thanks to tranquilizers, anti-depressants, therapy, and mostly God. It is still a daily struggle but when I think back to June I feel like a different person. I am worrying less. although I still think I am dying pretty frequently.

In August Sean got a new job. He really enjoys it. He no longer has to wake up at 3am which makes me happy. We went to his work christmas party last night. I met everyone and had a very good time.

In September I was rear-ended on my way to work. My car was totaled and I had whip-lash, soft tissue damage, and my pelvis shifted. I am almost done with my rehabilitation. My neck hurts every once in awhile but otherwise I feel back to normal.

In October I was promoted to consultant. I got a raise and a lot more responsibility and am amazed at how much I love my job.

This week Sean's step mom passed away. I feel bad for his dad. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my spouse.

Like I said, roller coaster.

I am excited for the upcoming year. A new year seems like a fresh start.

Life Changes

I just read my first post from April and its funny how much has changed in the last 9-10 months. We have moved twice, Sean got a new job, I graduated from college, Disciples church moved from an in home church to meeting at Stage 9 to now meeting at Theodore Judah Elementary, and I got a new job and a new plan for the future. I didn't think I could ever love a job like I love this one. I love working with autistic children!!! I plan on making this my career and I am so excited about it. Currently I am looking into getting my ABA certificate then will work on getting my Masters.

I am so thankful for my new job. I was literally dreading becoming a teacher but still felt called to work with children. I couldn't stop thinking about it and finally in November decided to look at my other options. And here I am now :). I still work at the Lobster which makes me very busy and tired on the weekends but I get to quit in five months. Besides the tiredness I am happier than I have been in a while and am looking forward to the things God has for me in the near future.