Sick

Yesterday I came down with a cold. Today I feel horrible. I had to leave work early and slept for most of the afternoon.

Being sick I really stressing me out. I have so much work to do in the next two days and then I'm going out of town for a few days. I feel like I'm burying myself in work and I don't have enough time to complete it.

I don't want to be sick. But mostly I don't want to be having this anxiety attack! I'm guessing it's been brought on by being sick, taking sudafed and being stressed. Also I haven't eaten very much today.

I have almost fallen asleep three times in the last hour only to be awoken by a weird feeling in my chest. It kinda feels like my heart stopped beating. Oh anxiety how I hate you so!!!

Like I said. I don't want to be sick and I don't meant to have this anxiety attack.

Sorry for the complaining. I'm hopeing that it will help to put it in writing.

Ugh

I'm sad.

I've been crying for at least an hour now.

It's hard to explain why I'm upset. I'm sure it's my fault.

I want to be happy but I'm having a hard time. I am having a hard time being myself. I have anxiety. I am smart. I love Jesus. I love my husband. I'm tired of faking it.

I'm over life decisions

Seriously, if I didnt have to make another life changing decision I would be a happy girl. But then I guess it wouldn't really be life.

Ugh.

Awake

I suck at sleeping, especially if I'm not I'm my own bed.

Yesterday was my Grandma's funeral. It was nice. I was anxious all day. I'm guessing it was caused by the large amount of family I would have to interact with. And of course it turned out that there was definitely family drama. Ugh

So now I'm awake, fighting off a panic attack. I miss my Seany, Lola and my comfy bed.

Psalm 91 is my comfort

Coping

At work I teach my kids coping skills. (e.g. take a break, deep breaths, etc.) But I think wine is really helpful for me. In small quantities of course.

Today my grandma Judy passed away.

Typing it makes it a little more real.

I am so glad I got to see her last week. I was able to tell her I loved her and held her hand for twenty minutes. Before that the most recent time I saw her was in March, We reminisced and talked a lot about my job as she used to work with Autistic children too.

I spent a lot of time with her while I was growing up. Some of the things I remember most are: We used to go on walks, at the park or around her neighborhood. I would bring a paper bag with me and put my "treasures" in it. We used to play pool. She had a really awesome pool table! And we always watched Dr. Quinn. :)

I hadn't seen her very much in the last few years, I'm sad about that.

I will miss you Grandma!